impressive I am

I impressed myself x1000 today. After visiting a friend last night, staying up until 3 a.m. avoiding alcohol and resisting the temptation of waffle house I STILL got my 7 hours of sleep in and woke up for morning cardio today. Walking into the gym I was actually really tired  but I forced myself in anyways. A quote that I had read quite some time ago about being successful reminded me  that we work hard all the time, not just when we want to. So I got on the Jacobs ladder and started climbing away. During my mile run I was able to do a speed of 6.5 with out being fatigued at the conclusion so I added another quarter of a mile for good measure! I had one gallon of water down before I even ate breakfast and now I only have three more bottles to go! So today is a great day! My trainer gave me the go ahead to eat a bowl of fruit which I NEVER get on my diets so I could not be more ecstatic for that! Reminding myself that if we want to be impressive, we must do things worth impressing. Binging and purging is not one of those things. So I hope every one is having a wonderful day, stay strong, drink your water, and don't forget to stretch and get your blood flowing, Today will be day three with no binges, I can feel it :) XOXO SOYG

I should buy a big balloon

Yesterday was a SUCCESS :^) Not only did I not binge or purge, but I didn't have any cheats of great significance. I did have a zero calorie all natural cream soda and a stack of 30 calorie seaweed chips (surprisingly delish) but I was feeling good all day yesterday! Today isn't over of course but I would love to make this day two (in a row) with no binging! I was trying out a new creation I picked up at world market called snapea crisps today around one in the after noon. They are literally baked legumes but I would be careful if I was you, because they are addicting. They come in a small bag so before I knew it I realized I demolished the entire thing... WHOOPS. I was feeling super guilty about nomming an entire 3 servings but within the hour the feeling passed. Granted if my parents wouldn't have been home I very well may have gone into a feeding frenzy in my kitchen but at least I know for future reference that guilty feeling, won't last forever. A little thought that helped me and may help you guys as well if you are ever in a similar situation and feeling guilty about something you ate, is that one day of eating bad, or one bad meal, isn't going to make you fat, just like one day of eating healthy isn't going to shrink you over night. Ill be the first to admit that your mind will play tricks on you and you will feel bigger,  maybe even heavier, but to other people, you are still the same old person as you were before you ate it. I PROMISE. So lets keep our bodies healthy, drink lots of water, do your sun salutations and breath deeply. Until next time lovelies, XOXO SOYG

strive for improvement not perfection

So today was a very busy day for me. I was baby sitting two little rugrats who were completely wild all day so coming home from cardio I was very tired. Not surprising to me at all my energy level made a complete 360 when I got to the grocery store to buy my food for the week. I was doing so good UNTIL  I passed a box of those sugar cookies that are with out a doubt made from clouds of heaven and a little bit of angel dust sprinkles. I walked on and tried to stay focused on my clean grocery list but the compulsive thoughts continued. I didn't NEED the cookies but I WANTED so desperately to eat a damn cookie. Why not have just one do you ask? The answer is simple really, when my thoughts about these cookies erupted I instantly felt fatter. I could feel my thighs rubbing together and my double chin growing. I felt disgusting. And that's why I cant have just one. I already feel so guilty about the simple thought of unhealthy foods that it drives me into a binge. So as you guessed, I bought the damn cookies -_- BUT here is where I improved. I bought one box of 8 sugar cookies, not a box of sugar cookies, a box of donuts, a frozen pizza, a pint of ben and jerrys, a bag of popcorn, and 6 candy bars like I wanted to. I didn't scarf down the cookies and make room for other things, I ate them slowly and enjoyed each bite of heaven. Since my binge was so small my purge was as well, but I don't want to scare myself, or any of you for that matter, into thinking its an easy thing, to taste calories and waste them away guilt free. Because it's not. It takes a toll on your body. I've noticed some trouble swallowing lately so I definitely need to lay off before that becomes a serious problem. But today Improvement was made, and that is always something to be celebrated! Not with more food of course ( I wish... I love food ) but with the peace of mind that I am on the right track, and maybe some sun salutations :^) xoxo always SOYG

Why cant I be normal?

There are two types of binges that I have experienced in my life time.
1. The I'm craving "insert food here" so badly and I need it now, then end up eating everything out of guilt binge.
2. I'm so stressed, sad, upset, emotional, pmsing, etc, that I need to consume my body weight in junk food until I cant hear my thoughts anymore binge.
Today was number two and I beg the question... WHY CANT I BE NORMAL? Why can't I think like a normal teenage girl? When I am upset why can't I just cry? The only thing that tends to make me feel better is food. And lots of it. My brain becomes overwhelmed with thoughts until I can't handle it any more and I give in, so disappointing.
So a little bit of back round for todays story, I've been working as a chiropractors assistant this past month and I haven't really been enjoying myself. It's just not for me. So when I got offered a job at a super cute boutique of course I was ecstatic. I told my boss about my decision to leave and he was furious. I basically got a new ass hole ripped into my body as he bitched me out for all the time and money I have wasted this past month. And how immature I am for wanting to work retail instead of a full time job that could potentially land me a career. I calmly explained to him that it would be very hard for me to finish school and have down time on the schedule that I am on now and he very sternly told me he has no more use for me, to clock out, and turn in my scrubs. I was shocked and angry. I knew I had to keep myself busy when I got home of course or else my compulsive thoughts about food would take over my brain and I would turn into a mindless zombie eating everything I could. With the weather being warm enough I started to clean my car. And yet still I was angry and just wanted food. I tried to talk myself down but in my zombie state I consumed ( warning if the names of food make you crave them intensely I would navigate away from this sentence. ) half of a large pizza and entire tube of cookies, potato chips and pancakes. Now this binge is no where near the size of my old binges from months ago but none the less I had a full belly and needed to empty it. Here comes the worst part, the purging. I wont go into detail about how awful and wearing it is on the body to make yourself vomit over and over to get everything out of your system that you just consumed, but today seemed even worse. It was just harder to get everything up and I am so exhausted. But somehow it always seems worth it or else I wouldn't keep resorting to binging and purging. Tomorrow if I feel the need to binge again I think I will try talking to you, my readers, before hand instead of after. Every day is a day to be celebrated but a day that I don't binge, now that's an exciting thought. Until tomorrow - SOYG XOXO

Today was... distasteful, literally.

So because you don't know me I'll start out with the basics. I'm 18 years old and I am a NPC bikini competitor. Now I know this may sound like bull shit at first but just hear me out. All through out my life I have been involved in some type of sport, cheerleading for 13 years gymnastics and tumbling for 7, so when I graduated highschool I needed something to fill that void. I knew I would never amount to a college cheerleader or gymnast, I just didn't have the talent. I got into doing competitions with my best friend who had been competing for a year or so. At first I loved it. I trained hard, I dieted down, I looked great, felt great, kicked cravings asses daily and I competed in my first show in June of 2013. During my off season is when everything went south. I blew up like a balloon. And I mean BLEW UP. I gained 15 pounds within two weeks and my personal trainer almost gave me a medal for fucking up so bad so fast. I didn't hold back, I ate what ever I wanted, I didn't go to the gym to work out and I surely didn't worry about getting my two gallons of water in daily. But I realized, these diets and training programs are not a lifestyle. I need to find my happy medium, I can eat yummy foods in small amounts when I crave them, and that's where my problems really started. I'm the type who always likes to finish what I make. I would rather make a single serving batch of cookies so I know there aren't any left when I'm done, so having one small piece of chocolate wasn't cutting it. I remember my first binge perfectly. It was my friends birthday and I decided to make him brownies from scratch, I found this amazing recipe and started cooking away. When they were done they smelled so good, no not even good, they smelt heavenly. So I talked myself into having one, just one. Then I sat there, and I thought, and I thought, and the next thing I knew I was tearing into the entire pan with a spoon until I devoured half of the entire pan. I felt immediate remorse and went to the kitchen sink to make myself throw up for the first time in my life, and it was so... EASY. I remember telling myself, "wow this is easy, you know you will do this again." I was scared. And I had every right to be. For the next four months this type of behavior became an everyday thing, until I finally came clean to my trainer and told him what had been going on. And he called me, and I cried, and we talked, and told me I needed time off. It was my choice not to seek professional help but sometimes I wish I had. Because it's been three months since my time off. I'm one month into my new diet and cardio plans and I'm training again for the 2014 bikini season. So this is why I need you, my readers, even if you aren't there. Just to listen to me, maybe talk to me, but most of all I need you to help me realize that I can do this, that I can live with out chocolate and pizza. And with that bit of back round, I leave you, to enjoy some greek yogurt and greys anatomy before I pass out and wake up tomorrow for cardio :^) xoxo SOYG

First Post... and Im Nervous

Hello to all my avid readers ( if I have any thus far ). From this point forward you will know me as the stressed out yoga girl, Oxy Moron, I know but sometimes that is how my life feels. I can't promise my posts will be perfect, but I will do my best to post every day, and improve the more I post. So what is the subject of my blog do you ask? Do you really want to know? Hold onto your seats because I'm sure you've never read one about... that's right, eating disorders. Unfortunately for me, and the people around me who have to hear about it weekly, I suffer from bulimia. But lucky for you readers that is not the only problem I have in my life, and ill try to shed light on everything around me to keep it interesting. Like I said I want to post at least one time EVERYDAY, not only so my posts are less shitty by the end of my journey but because I've never wanted to over come something so badly in my life. So if you'll follow me on this elaborate hike we call life, Id love to have you.